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How “instant” dumpling backfires
By Tony Rutherford
After reading a “Dating” column, I felt compelled to respond with a male perspective. Of course, my opinion may topple into a minority viewpoint, since most of my friends would conclude I was a “sensitive nice guy.” Furthermore, I’m probably a “toad.” I’ve been called “caring,” “sweet” and “distinguished” but not handsome.
First, while a swift “it’s over” may be the best for gagging the female conscience and allowing her to swiftly delete the relationship from her memory bank, instant dumping has many fallacies. Accepting that men and women have varying gender-related perceptions, this immediate burn all bridges approach leaves the dumpee in shock.
Granted , I’m an artistic, romantic type and my experiences may have limited application, but the sudden fast and clean break-ups of lengthy relationships are the ones that I leave me dazed and confused for months and years afterwards. Pity my friends with whom I constantly repeat scenarios of “should I …” or “was it …” Probably one of the cruelest breakups had my fiance enlist the aid of a female friend of mine to ring the door bell, leave returned objects, and run. When questioned, the female friend told me, “You have your [traditional] morals, but you don’t have (name withheld).”
Of course, with the sudden burst of “I don’t want to see you anymore” comes the “maybe she was in a bad mood that day” or “maybe something else upset her” rationalizing. How can someone who yesterday gleefully proclaimed, “I love you” overnight change to “I hate you. I can’t marry you. Goodbye!”
Second, the “don’t drag it out,” cut all ties dumping method leaves no room for friendship, discussion or “what do we tell mutual friends?” Instead of the “dumper” and “dumpee” establishing a “hot line” to discuss the circumstances, once the dumping occurs, the fallout begins. Friends and family enter the picture taking sides while attempting to interpret and console.
Personally , I think this style break-up stems from women getting even with all those men with whom they had a one night stand that did not call them back. So, they take out their anger on Mr. One Night on any male. Furthermore, it disregards any chance of input from the soon to be dumped.
Third, what happened to the “let’s work it out” phase? Too many marriages dissolve on little more than the grass is greener somewhere else premise. Too many women have a list of red flags from prior relationships. If one starts to flash, it’s over! Unfortunately, all men and women fall into the imperfect human being category. Jesus was the only “perfect man” who displayed perfectly unconditional love. For the rest of us, I think we have to learn to give, take and compromise.
Fourth, the “great excuse” solution has troubling consequences too: a. If you tell him that “you got back with an old boyfriend,” he will wonder what the “creepjerkbum” you have verbally blistered did to win back your affections. b. If you tell him “I’m behind on my studies,” he might offer to tutor you. c. If you don’t answer the phone, he could come over for a visit thinking you are too ill to pick up the receiver.
Sadly, the growth and independence movements have created additional intolerance on the part of both genders. Each gender has heartbreaking “weapons” at their disposal. But like restraint by the “superpowers” on the use of a nuclear arsenal, the best form of a “break up” would be one that takes into the consideration of the unique qualities and needs of each individual. Who knows, after a few conferences at Camp David, the couple may rediscover the romance that brought them together in the first place.
(The writer founded Kupid’s Singles. He is still single and looking for a woman without children. His email address is widely available.)